Denial.

Wikipedia defines denial as "A defense mechanism in which a person is faced with a fact that is too painful to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence. "

Is denial good ? Well, only sometimes. If you are working like a horse to get good grades, despite the fact that the records of your past examinations were filled with C's and D's, and you tell yourself "I was sick then," or "Mrs Benetto hates me," or "That was the only part I missed out," then it's good. It's something to keep you going, and you will not give up as easy, because you believe you will succeed the next time. But, if you wanna get good grades, and you tell yourself those things above, JUST as excuses for you to delay your revisions, that's bad. OK, I don't actually know if the above examples are classified as denial or making excuses, but I'll go with it.

Denial is the very first stage, in "The Five Stages Of Grief". It is most often associated with Death. An example would be "No ! *name* can't be dead ! I just saw him yesterday !" or something else like that. But let's just skip death, and move on to relationships.

Say Tommy and Tara are both teenagers in love with each other. Things are going smoothly and both of them are really happy. Then after 5 months of going out together, Tommy noticed something different about the way Tara talks to him or the way she looks at him, there seems to be less affection in her voice or in her stare and she seems to care less and less, so Tommy tells himself "She's just having a tough time dealing with her family matter." As time goes on, Tara seems to call less, and sometimes wouldn't answer Tommy's phone, so Tommy tells himself "Her phone must be out of battery," or "Her dad must be near," or even "She's sleeping, she'll call back later." But what if she doesn't ? Then Tommy will tell himself more of these "excuses", to block out the thought that Tara might be breaking up with him soon. Having your heart broken is a very painful process, and not everyone can make it out the same person. A lot of us change, mostly in bad ways. But keep your heads up, because I'm the living proof that we might get through it, changed for the better.

So when the day finally comes, when Tara tells Tommy that she is seeing someone else, there's a few things which can happen. Tommy, can be very depressed, and finds a way to end his life(when matters of the heart like this happens, people are normally very irrational in their thoughts and actions), and this is the worst case scenario. Or maybe, Tommy can be a little less depressed, and at the same time, he goes into denial, telling himself more things like "She's dealing with a lot of stress, she'll come through." As Tommy goes into denial, this buys himself time, perhaps he would talk to his close friends or family members about his problem, before he would consider more drastic actions. Something which is certain, we feel totally different, and our burdens lighter after sharing our problems and thoughts with another soul.

When you're staring at Failure straight in the eye, look away, go into denial, lie to yourself, and keep going. - Rclk

Enough, enough now.

Does the title look familiar ? Well, it was said by Mark(Andrew Lincoln) in Love Actually(2003), after Juliet (Keira Knightley) gave him a kiss after he confessed that to him, Juliet was perfect. Juliet ran out and gave Mark a kiss as he was on his way. Poor Mark.. I'll keep on rooting for you, mate. So anyway, if some of you have not seen the show, well, you should.

To be honest, the reason I am still awake is that.. I'm sad. I guess human emotions are somewhat complicated, like when we came across a picture, certain SMS's that we have have kept in our phones for a long time, or even, a simple line from a movie that we watched a long time ago, can immediately trigger the feeling of sadness in ourselves, mostly because those things remind us that we have lost something in the past. Or, it can also be that we are not the same person we used to be, like in the picture, when we were sending the SMS, or during the time when we were watching the movie. Something has happened and it changed ourselves, leaving cuts in our heart. These cuts may heal, the scars will forever remind us of what we have lost, or how we have changed.

About an hour ago when I was about to hit the sack, a friend of mine signed in Windows Live Messenger. There's nothing wrong about that, except the fact that his display picture reminded me of something I have lost. I've been sad for the past hour, trying to do things to distract myself and to lessen the feeling of sadness but none of it is working.. Want to know what happened between Mark, Juliet and Peter ?

Well..
Mark and Peter were best friends, and Mark has some feelings for Juliet which he dare not confess to her. Mark then found out that Peter and Juliet were going to get married.. Mark helped Peter with his wedding arrangements and he took the role as the Best Man in his friend's wedding. Some time after the wedding, Juliet showed up on Mark's apartment, asking to see the tape he recorded during the wedding. Mark hesitated at first, but Juliet insisted (I've forgotten for what reasons Juliet needed the tape as it was two years ago since I watched it. Sorry.) Shortly after viewing the tape, Juliet noticed that Mark captured only Juliet in the tape, as in he focused only on Juliet, not her wedding with Peter. It was then she realized that Mark loves her. Embarrassed ,Mark excused himself and told Juliet to show herself out after she's done.

I've forgotten whether if they see each other after that incident, but Mark went to Peter and Juliet's apartment during Christmas Eve. Juliet and Peter was on the couch watching television when he arrived. Luckily for Mark, Juliet answered the door alone and Mark told her (writings on a cardboard) to tell Peter that it was only some Carol Singers. He showed her a series of cardboard signs, which goes something like this..

With any luck, by next year
I'll be going out with one of these girls.
[showed her some pictures of beautiful female artists]
But for now, let me say
Without hope or agenda
Just because it's Christmas
(And at Christmas you tell the truth)
To me, you are perfect
And my wasted heart will love you
Until you look like this
[showed Juliet the picture of a mummy]
Merry Christmas

And like mentioned above, Juliet gave him a kiss as he was leaving. After she left, Mark said to himself "Enough, enough now." So is this it ? Does this describes the famous quote "You know you really love someone when you want her to be happy even if her happiness means you are not a part of it." ? Can this.. acceptance really be achieved by someone ? Perhaps I'll find out.. someday.



I hate the way you talk or smile to me.
I hate the way you cut your hair.
I hate that you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
or even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around,
and the fact that you didn't call.

But mostly,
I hate the way I don’t hate you,
not even a little,
not even at all.

- Julia Stiles