In fact, it has been a very long while since i last blogged. I've not a good excuse for not updating, except for the fact that I was lazy and do not feel like typing out my intricacies of my thoughts. Life has been hectic, and time as unforgiving as always.
But, today is special, for a special friend of mine will be leaving for the UK in a couple of hours. We've known each other for.. at least 9 years now. I rue the fact that we were sometimes so caught up with our happening lives that we do not contact each other as often as we should. The fact that he was leaving finally dawned on me, and all those memories of the times we spent together filled my mind and I can almost hear his uninhibited laughter exploding beside me (In fact, I am sitting in the same spot we sat together 5 days ago - KL Sentral's McD).
I will truly miss him and perhaps lament a little bit on the fact that I am not able to bid farewell to him before his flight. The saying goes: 'Man's feelings are always purest and most glowing in the hour of meeting and of farewell.' I wish him, from the bottom of my heart, the best of luck in his future there.
Take care, my old friend.. :)
Don't be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetime, is certain for those who are friends. ~Richard Bach
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Denial.
Wikipedia defines denial as "A defense mechanism in which a person is faced with a fact that is too painful to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence. "
Is denial good ? Well, only sometimes. If you are working like a horse to get good grades, despite the fact that the records of your past examinations were filled with C's and D's, and you tell yourself "I was sick then," or "Mrs Benetto hates me," or "That was the only part I missed out," then it's good. It's something to keep you going, and you will not give up as easy, because you believe you will succeed the next time. But, if you wanna get good grades, and you tell yourself those things above, JUST as excuses for you to delay your revisions, that's bad. OK, I don't actually know if the above examples are classified as denial or making excuses, but I'll go with it.
Denial is the very first stage, in "The Five Stages Of Grief". It is most often associated with Death. An example would be "No ! *name* can't be dead ! I just saw him yesterday !" or something else like that. But let's just skip death, and move on to relationships.
Say Tommy and Tara are both teenagers in love with each other. Things are going smoothly and both of them are really happy. Then after 5 months of going out together, Tommy noticed something different about the way Tara talks to him or the way she looks at him, there seems to be less affection in her voice or in her stare and she seems to care less and less, so Tommy tells himself "She's just having a tough time dealing with her family matter." As time goes on, Tara seems to call less, and sometimes wouldn't answer Tommy's phone, so Tommy tells himself "Her phone must be out of battery," or "Her dad must be near," or even "She's sleeping, she'll call back later." But what if she doesn't ? Then Tommy will tell himself more of these "excuses", to block out the thought that Tara might be breaking up with him soon. Having your heart broken is a very painful process, and not everyone can make it out the same person. A lot of us change, mostly in bad ways. But keep your heads up, because I'm the living proof that we might get through it, changed for the better.
So when the day finally comes, when Tara tells Tommy that she is seeing someone else, there's a few things which can happen. Tommy, can be very depressed, and finds a way to end his life(when matters of the heart like this happens, people are normally very irrational in their thoughts and actions), and this is the worst case scenario. Or maybe, Tommy can be a little less depressed, and at the same time, he goes into denial, telling himself more things like "She's dealing with a lot of stress, she'll come through." As Tommy goes into denial, this buys himself time, perhaps he would talk to his close friends or family members about his problem, before he would consider more drastic actions. Something which is certain, we feel totally different, and our burdens lighter after sharing our problems and thoughts with another soul.
When you're staring at Failure straight in the eye, look away, go into denial, lie to yourself, and keep going. - Rclk
Is denial good ? Well, only sometimes. If you are working like a horse to get good grades, despite the fact that the records of your past examinations were filled with C's and D's, and you tell yourself "I was sick then," or "Mrs Benetto hates me," or "That was the only part I missed out," then it's good. It's something to keep you going, and you will not give up as easy, because you believe you will succeed the next time. But, if you wanna get good grades, and you tell yourself those things above, JUST as excuses for you to delay your revisions, that's bad. OK, I don't actually know if the above examples are classified as denial or making excuses, but I'll go with it.
Denial is the very first stage, in "The Five Stages Of Grief". It is most often associated with Death. An example would be "No ! *name* can't be dead ! I just saw him yesterday !" or something else like that. But let's just skip death, and move on to relationships.
Say Tommy and Tara are both teenagers in love with each other. Things are going smoothly and both of them are really happy. Then after 5 months of going out together, Tommy noticed something different about the way Tara talks to him or the way she looks at him, there seems to be less affection in her voice or in her stare and she seems to care less and less, so Tommy tells himself "She's just having a tough time dealing with her family matter." As time goes on, Tara seems to call less, and sometimes wouldn't answer Tommy's phone, so Tommy tells himself "Her phone must be out of battery," or "Her dad must be near," or even "She's sleeping, she'll call back later." But what if she doesn't ? Then Tommy will tell himself more of these "excuses", to block out the thought that Tara might be breaking up with him soon. Having your heart broken is a very painful process, and not everyone can make it out the same person. A lot of us change, mostly in bad ways. But keep your heads up, because I'm the living proof that we might get through it, changed for the better.
So when the day finally comes, when Tara tells Tommy that she is seeing someone else, there's a few things which can happen. Tommy, can be very depressed, and finds a way to end his life(when matters of the heart like this happens, people are normally very irrational in their thoughts and actions), and this is the worst case scenario. Or maybe, Tommy can be a little less depressed, and at the same time, he goes into denial, telling himself more things like "She's dealing with a lot of stress, she'll come through." As Tommy goes into denial, this buys himself time, perhaps he would talk to his close friends or family members about his problem, before he would consider more drastic actions. Something which is certain, we feel totally different, and our burdens lighter after sharing our problems and thoughts with another soul.
When you're staring at Failure straight in the eye, look away, go into denial, lie to yourself, and keep going. - Rclk
Monday, January 7, 2008
Enough, enough now.
Does the title look familiar ? Well, it was said by Mark(Andrew Lincoln) in Love Actually(2003), after Juliet (Keira Knightley) gave him a kiss after he confessed that to him, Juliet was perfect. Juliet ran out and gave Mark a kiss as he was on his way. Poor Mark.. I'll keep on rooting for you, mate. So anyway, if some of you have not seen the show, well, you should.
To be honest, the reason I am still awake is that.. I'm sad. I guess human emotions are somewhat complicated, like when we came across a picture, certain SMS's that we have have kept in our phones for a long time, or even, a simple line from a movie that we watched a long time ago, can immediately trigger the feeling of sadness in ourselves, mostly because those things remind us that we have lost something in the past. Or, it can also be that we are not the same person we used to be, like in the picture, when we were sending the SMS, or during the time when we were watching the movie. Something has happened and it changed ourselves, leaving cuts in our heart. These cuts may heal, the scars will forever remind us of what we have lost, or how we have changed.
About an hour ago when I was about to hit the sack, a friend of mine signed in Windows Live Messenger. There's nothing wrong about that, except the fact that his display picture reminded me of something I have lost. I've been sad for the past hour, trying to do things to distract myself and to lessen the feeling of sadness but none of it is working.. Want to know what happened between Mark, Juliet and Peter ?
Well..
Mark and Peter were best friends, and Mark has some feelings for Juliet which he dare not confess to her. Mark then found out that Peter and Juliet were going to get married.. Mark helped Peter with his wedding arrangements and he took the role as the Best Man in his friend's wedding. Some time after the wedding, Juliet showed up on Mark's apartment, asking to see the tape he recorded during the wedding. Mark hesitated at first, but Juliet insisted (I've forgotten for what reasons Juliet needed the tape as it was two years ago since I watched it. Sorry.) Shortly after viewing the tape, Juliet noticed that Mark captured only Juliet in the tape, as in he focused only on Juliet, not her wedding with Peter. It was then she realized that Mark loves her. Embarrassed ,Mark excused himself and told Juliet to show herself out after she's done.
I've forgotten whether if they see each other after that incident, but Mark went to Peter and Juliet's apartment during Christmas Eve. Juliet and Peter was on the couch watching television when he arrived. Luckily for Mark, Juliet answered the door alone and Mark told her (writings on a cardboard) to tell Peter that it was only some Carol Singers. He showed her a series of cardboard signs, which goes something like this..
With any luck, by next year
I'll be going out with one of these girls.
[showed her some pictures of beautiful female artists]
But for now, let me say
Without hope or agenda
Just because it's Christmas
(And at Christmas you tell the truth)
To me, you are perfect
And my wasted heart will love you
Until you look like this
[showed Juliet the picture of a mummy]
Merry Christmas
And like mentioned above, Juliet gave him a kiss as he was leaving. After she left, Mark said to himself "Enough, enough now." So is this it ? Does this describes the famous quote "You know you really love someone when you want her to be happy even if her happiness means you are not a part of it." ? Can this.. acceptance really be achieved by someone ? Perhaps I'll find out.. someday.
I hate the way you talk or smile to me.
I hate the way you cut your hair.
I hate that you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
or even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around,
and the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly,
I hate the way I don’t hate you,
not even a little,
not even at all.
- Julia Stiles
To be honest, the reason I am still awake is that.. I'm sad. I guess human emotions are somewhat complicated, like when we came across a picture, certain SMS's that we have have kept in our phones for a long time, or even, a simple line from a movie that we watched a long time ago, can immediately trigger the feeling of sadness in ourselves, mostly because those things remind us that we have lost something in the past. Or, it can also be that we are not the same person we used to be, like in the picture, when we were sending the SMS, or during the time when we were watching the movie. Something has happened and it changed ourselves, leaving cuts in our heart. These cuts may heal, the scars will forever remind us of what we have lost, or how we have changed.
About an hour ago when I was about to hit the sack, a friend of mine signed in Windows Live Messenger. There's nothing wrong about that, except the fact that his display picture reminded me of something I have lost. I've been sad for the past hour, trying to do things to distract myself and to lessen the feeling of sadness but none of it is working.. Want to know what happened between Mark, Juliet and Peter ?
Well..
Mark and Peter were best friends, and Mark has some feelings for Juliet which he dare not confess to her. Mark then found out that Peter and Juliet were going to get married.. Mark helped Peter with his wedding arrangements and he took the role as the Best Man in his friend's wedding. Some time after the wedding, Juliet showed up on Mark's apartment, asking to see the tape he recorded during the wedding. Mark hesitated at first, but Juliet insisted (I've forgotten for what reasons Juliet needed the tape as it was two years ago since I watched it. Sorry.) Shortly after viewing the tape, Juliet noticed that Mark captured only Juliet in the tape, as in he focused only on Juliet, not her wedding with Peter. It was then she realized that Mark loves her. Embarrassed ,Mark excused himself and told Juliet to show herself out after she's done.
I've forgotten whether if they see each other after that incident, but Mark went to Peter and Juliet's apartment during Christmas Eve. Juliet and Peter was on the couch watching television when he arrived. Luckily for Mark, Juliet answered the door alone and Mark told her (writings on a cardboard) to tell Peter that it was only some Carol Singers. He showed her a series of cardboard signs, which goes something like this..
With any luck, by next year
I'll be going out with one of these girls.
[showed her some pictures of beautiful female artists]
But for now, let me say
Without hope or agenda
Just because it's Christmas
(And at Christmas you tell the truth)
To me, you are perfect
And my wasted heart will love you
Until you look like this
[showed Juliet the picture of a mummy]
Merry Christmas
And like mentioned above, Juliet gave him a kiss as he was leaving. After she left, Mark said to himself "Enough, enough now." So is this it ? Does this describes the famous quote "You know you really love someone when you want her to be happy even if her happiness means you are not a part of it." ? Can this.. acceptance really be achieved by someone ? Perhaps I'll find out.. someday.
I hate the way you talk or smile to me.
I hate the way you cut your hair.
I hate that you're always right.
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
or even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around,
and the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly,
I hate the way I don’t hate you,
not even a little,
not even at all.
- Julia Stiles
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Friends.
Does a friend do that to you? That would be the question I've asked myself countless times these past two years. You see, I've encountered a lot of problems regarding friends in Form 4 and Form 5. Is it really my problem ? Or is it theirs ? Honestly, I don't know. But I've been silently praying that it would be theirs.
A lot of times I found myself feeling sad for what my friends did. I know, it is something inevitable, and everyone has to go through these problems sometimes. And yes, I've heard of 'Forgive and Forget'. But, what if after you forgive and forget, the same thing keeps happening over and over again, and it is you who gets hurt every time ? Do you keep forgive and forget ? Or do you just forget, about them ?
For instance, a friend of mine, John asked me to go to a trip with him weeks ago, as he was not very close with the other friends who are going. Being a friend, I agreed. We were supposed to sit together in the bus during the trip. Everything was in place, and I was looking forward to the trip. (Tonight 10.30pm)
This morning John told me that another friend who is closer to him than I am, Ben is going to the trip as well (Someone has decided not to go , which left an empty space for him). What's wrong with that you may ask ? Well, John has decided that he would be sitting Ben, instead of sitting with me. It may sound like nothing to the person who is reading this, but try to step into my shoes, and tell me it's nothing. I mean, I agreed AS A FRIEND to accompany John, even when I preferred to stay at home and play my computer games. But as soon as he found Ben to go to the trip, he ditched me in a heartbeat.
Like you've guessed, I decided not to go at first. But after being persuaded by some of my friends, I'll be going after all, since I've paid for the trip. I'll be sitting with some other friends in the back row of the bus (where there is enough space for 4 to 5 people). So that's that.
Just this afternoon, I've just discovered that ANOTHER friend of mine, Tom who is also going to the trip, is happy that Ben joined the trip last minute. Because according to him, there will be some DRAMA for him to watch. What drama ? Well you see, a girl which has some history with me, Corry will me going on the trip as well. But there's nothing between us anymore, and Tom does not know about it. It so happens that Ben and this girl has some history as well. So the DRAMA Tom was talking about is that Ben and I would do something stupid or go against each other in our attempt to impress or win Corry's heart.
Is that what you all would call it ? DRAMA ? I would certainly not. I don't think it's funny when 2 friends compete or fight against one another. But a friend is a friend, we can either accept them for who they are, or we can take them away, leaving a scar on our heart.
Well I'm going to keep them in my heart for now, for they are my friends. We shared lots of good memories together, and definitely some bad ones.
Life is difficult without friends. They are who we share laughters and tears and worries together.
And if you are very lucky, you might even find a friend who is able to change you for the better and make your life more meaningful. If anyone denies this, well, good luck with the long journey ahead.
The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be. And when they're not, we cry.
p/s : All the names mentioned above are not the real names of my friends.
A lot of times I found myself feeling sad for what my friends did. I know, it is something inevitable, and everyone has to go through these problems sometimes. And yes, I've heard of 'Forgive and Forget'. But, what if after you forgive and forget, the same thing keeps happening over and over again, and it is you who gets hurt every time ? Do you keep forgive and forget ? Or do you just forget, about them ?
For instance, a friend of mine, John asked me to go to a trip with him weeks ago, as he was not very close with the other friends who are going. Being a friend, I agreed. We were supposed to sit together in the bus during the trip. Everything was in place, and I was looking forward to the trip. (Tonight 10.30pm)
This morning John told me that another friend who is closer to him than I am, Ben is going to the trip as well (Someone has decided not to go , which left an empty space for him). What's wrong with that you may ask ? Well, John has decided that he would be sitting Ben, instead of sitting with me. It may sound like nothing to the person who is reading this, but try to step into my shoes, and tell me it's nothing. I mean, I agreed AS A FRIEND to accompany John, even when I preferred to stay at home and play my computer games. But as soon as he found Ben to go to the trip, he ditched me in a heartbeat.
Like you've guessed, I decided not to go at first. But after being persuaded by some of my friends, I'll be going after all, since I've paid for the trip. I'll be sitting with some other friends in the back row of the bus (where there is enough space for 4 to 5 people). So that's that.
Just this afternoon, I've just discovered that ANOTHER friend of mine, Tom who is also going to the trip, is happy that Ben joined the trip last minute. Because according to him, there will be some DRAMA for him to watch. What drama ? Well you see, a girl which has some history with me, Corry will me going on the trip as well. But there's nothing between us anymore, and Tom does not know about it. It so happens that Ben and this girl has some history as well. So the DRAMA Tom was talking about is that Ben and I would do something stupid or go against each other in our attempt to impress or win Corry's heart.
Is that what you all would call it ? DRAMA ? I would certainly not. I don't think it's funny when 2 friends compete or fight against one another. But a friend is a friend, we can either accept them for who they are, or we can take them away, leaving a scar on our heart.
Well I'm going to keep them in my heart for now, for they are my friends. We shared lots of good memories together, and definitely some bad ones.
Life is difficult without friends. They are who we share laughters and tears and worries together.
And if you are very lucky, you might even find a friend who is able to change you for the better and make your life more meaningful. If anyone denies this, well, good luck with the long journey ahead.
The key is to get to know people and trust them to be who they are. Instead, we trust people to be who we want them to be. And when they're not, we cry.
p/s : All the names mentioned above are not the real names of my friends.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
S.P.End
It kinda hard to believe that SPM is finally over..Well I mean.. It's not almost over, it's not I-feel-like-it's-over over, I-give-up kinda over.. it is Officially OVER. Just typing that puts a grin on my face. XD
There was no cheering, no hysterical screams, no firecrackers as we left the exam hall for the very last time.. I just thought something like that ought to happen.. Like I said earlier SPM should be the most stressful event in our lives.. So far, of course. There's tonnes of Sh.. uh.. Crap waiting for us in the future.. Everyone was just relieved that it's over ( again, grinning face )..
As a celebration, a few of my friends and I went to Central Square, a small time shopping complex which by the way, is the only one with a cinema here. We went ahead and watched Enchanted. I estimated only about 15% of the tickets were sold as a lot of the seats were left empty. Either people thought it sucked or we watched it too late.. I would prefer the second idea as I thought the show was quite good indeed..The part when Pip ( the chipmunk ) acted in the attempt of warning Prince Edward of the plans by her evil stepmother was so adorable.. By the way, James Marsden played the role of Prince Edward splendidly well.. The way he smile was so captivating.. And no, I'm straight.. And I liked it that he calls everyone a peasant.. ha ha..
Hey, is it only me or does Robert ( Patrick Dempsey ) looked quite a bit like Sean Penn ??
Anyway, I really enjoyed listening to the song Giselle and that Prince Edward sang for quite a number of times throughout the movie..
I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss
And a prince I'm hoping comes with this
something like that..
We went to the arcade soon after, being a crappy little arcade center in a crappy little shopping complex, the machines there were ( for the lack of a better word ) CRAP. Some of the machines there was so outdated, it's not even funny.. Really, it makes me sad to even at the arcade center.. I played some of the machines there when I was still in Primary School.. Back then, before the advancement of technology, those machines were considered great and loads of people enjoyed playing them.. But now, I'd rather watch some boring TV commercials or spam at some random websites than to lay my hands on them. The BEST machine there was the Initial D car racing and that went out like.. I don't know, 5 years back ? Since there are no other arcade centers in this little town, I'd say it was better than nothing.. I long to visit an arcade center like the ones in Genting Highlands.. I swear I could just spend a whole day there without having to play arcade machines.. Just looking at other people playing it satisfies me.. Anyway after the arcade we just went back as there were really nothing much for us to do there..
So um.. We're supposed to give back our SPBT books tomorrow ( I can't wait ) morning between 9 to 10 Am.. There's a total of 19 textbooks, but I only managed to find 18. Would have found the stupid Biology Practical Textbook if I had been looking for it instead of siting in front of my computer.. Like right now.. :P
I'm pretty tired now.. I tried to sleep at 1 Am yesterday.. but only managed to fall asleep after about.. 2 hours.. Which means that I'm already up for a period of 21 hours. I'm gonna get some sleep now. Uh.. Have a good one y'all.
There was no cheering, no hysterical screams, no firecrackers as we left the exam hall for the very last time.. I just thought something like that ought to happen.. Like I said earlier SPM should be the most stressful event in our lives.. So far, of course. There's tonnes of Sh.. uh.. Crap waiting for us in the future.. Everyone was just relieved that it's over ( again, grinning face )..
As a celebration, a few of my friends and I went to Central Square, a small time shopping complex which by the way, is the only one with a cinema here. We went ahead and watched Enchanted. I estimated only about 15% of the tickets were sold as a lot of the seats were left empty. Either people thought it sucked or we watched it too late.. I would prefer the second idea as I thought the show was quite good indeed..The part when Pip ( the chipmunk ) acted in the attempt of warning Prince Edward of the plans by her evil stepmother was so adorable.. By the way, James Marsden played the role of Prince Edward splendidly well.. The way he smile was so captivating.. And no, I'm straight.. And I liked it that he calls everyone a peasant.. ha ha..
Hey, is it only me or does Robert ( Patrick Dempsey ) looked quite a bit like Sean Penn ??
Anyway, I really enjoyed listening to the song Giselle and that Prince Edward sang for quite a number of times throughout the movie..
I've been dreaming of a true love's kiss
And a prince I'm hoping comes with this
something like that..
We went to the arcade soon after, being a crappy little arcade center in a crappy little shopping complex, the machines there were ( for the lack of a better word ) CRAP. Some of the machines there was so outdated, it's not even funny.. Really, it makes me sad to even at the arcade center.. I played some of the machines there when I was still in Primary School.. Back then, before the advancement of technology, those machines were considered great and loads of people enjoyed playing them.. But now, I'd rather watch some boring TV commercials or spam at some random websites than to lay my hands on them. The BEST machine there was the Initial D car racing and that went out like.. I don't know, 5 years back ? Since there are no other arcade centers in this little town, I'd say it was better than nothing.. I long to visit an arcade center like the ones in Genting Highlands.. I swear I could just spend a whole day there without having to play arcade machines.. Just looking at other people playing it satisfies me.. Anyway after the arcade we just went back as there were really nothing much for us to do there..
So um.. We're supposed to give back our SPBT books tomorrow ( I can't wait ) morning between 9 to 10 Am.. There's a total of 19 textbooks, but I only managed to find 18. Would have found the stupid Biology Practical Textbook if I had been looking for it instead of siting in front of my computer.. Like right now.. :P
I'm pretty tired now.. I tried to sleep at 1 Am yesterday.. but only managed to fall asleep after about.. 2 hours.. Which means that I'm already up for a period of 21 hours. I'm gonna get some sleep now. Uh.. Have a good one y'all.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Here Goes Nothing
It is now 6.15pm, the day before my final paper for SPM..
It is a very weird feeling, I think I should be happy, but I'm not..
Looking back on the countdown timer I had on my desktop which showed the days remaining before SPM, I vividly remember when it showed 42 days..
When SPM finally arrived, I changed it to Days Remaining Till SPM Ends..
And again, I remember the timer showing 20 days.. And now, it is showing a very humble ' 1 '..
I can't help but to feel a little bit relieved, after all, it has been a long, long month..
I've never been this stressful in my whole life. I guess the same goes to everyone who is taking SPM.
Tomorrow's paper is for Chinese ( not my favourite subject since primary school.. In fact, it is the ONE paper i feared/hated most )..
God Almighty I've been trying hard this year.. and there was indeed SOME improvements, but I still don't think it's good enough..
At the end, I'd like to think that everything comes down to luck..
Anyway, I think I'll go back and read some essays now..
The ending of SPM is only the beginning of something much more... wonderful.. well, I hope.
It is a very weird feeling, I think I should be happy, but I'm not..
Looking back on the countdown timer I had on my desktop which showed the days remaining before SPM, I vividly remember when it showed 42 days..
When SPM finally arrived, I changed it to Days Remaining Till SPM Ends..
And again, I remember the timer showing 20 days.. And now, it is showing a very humble ' 1 '..
I can't help but to feel a little bit relieved, after all, it has been a long, long month..
I've never been this stressful in my whole life. I guess the same goes to everyone who is taking SPM.
Tomorrow's paper is for Chinese ( not my favourite subject since primary school.. In fact, it is the ONE paper i feared/hated most )..
God Almighty I've been trying hard this year.. and there was indeed SOME improvements, but I still don't think it's good enough..
At the end, I'd like to think that everything comes down to luck..
Anyway, I think I'll go back and read some essays now..
The ending of SPM is only the beginning of something much more... wonderful.. well, I hope.
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